AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

When some couples share that they never had a crisis in their marital life, then there never is and/or was, any love. Crisis is a sign of affection and love. Peaceful marriages are a realistic goal where happiness is a byproduct. Happiness can never be chased nor avoided. Pleasures can be gone after and that is not the same as happiness.

Marriages, like any institution, are in an exciting flux colored by the issues, idiosyncrasies and innovations of the time. As people want more, wanting to live centuries in a decade, the emotions sprinkle and at times burst causing pain, joy, change, and also harm.

Couples remind themselves that they are married by watching cozy photographs stored on the cell phones. As long working hours sap the energy and provide very little time to connect; touch, time and talk are the casualties. The soul and the skin, both remain undernourished.  Irritability and anger are the consequences. Lack of sleep also adds fuel to the fire. When time is scarce, emotional contact time replenishes emotional energy. Couples come home and argue over who will pay the bills, help the kids with the studies and so on and so forth.  All they need is simply rest their heads on each other’s lap and share feelings. Energy would be back and bonding better, with tasks completed in record time. Rediscovering soft touch and small talk improves relationships. Emotional contact time and family contact time, even brief, but intense, neutralizes the toxins caused by the rapid pace of life.

As the empowerment of women is the talk of the town, reality power equations are changing.  The wife wants a separate bank account and the liberty to take important decisions. This, when understood and accepted by the husband, helps build relationships and reduces the burden on one spouse. But when this change is resisted, conflicts are visible. Although a man nowadays insists on working wife, he wants her salary to be deposited in his account. The major underlying fear, as commonly discussed by most of the husbands is, “She will leave me and go, my mother always obeyed my father”. These irrational beliefs need to be demolished slowly. Freedom to spend and splurge is a must for the new age woman.

Many suffer from ‘anticipating worry’ all the time. When one partner anticipates worry, there is a conflict. There are negative statements made all the time by the spouse leading to reactions from the other, for example a partner recalling all the negative incidents and sharing it all the time, having little memory for the positive ones. Anticipating joy and recalling positive experiences in life helps marriages rock. Physical intimacy is important and spelling out each other’s needs adds zing to a marriage.

Things tend to change after marriage. Many ladies complain that their husbands were better as boyfriends. Men have similar complaints. Love is not about roses, gifts and about long kisses. Love is also about the pains, tribulations and struggle. It needs maintenance just like a car. It needs engine oil and coolants. Many fail to understand this. Living together would mean parents and relatives, being in contact with all the needs, egos, sermons and quirks. Yet, in some families, there may be conflicts and the couple may do well with each other but not with their families. Here, the proverb of “Minimum Contact and Minimum Conflicts’ works.

Cultures do not meet any more but pound into each other. Globalization and its pace is also a cause. When societies do not meet naturally, it mates unnaturally. Love marriages also face the risk of being challenged and at times, the split is wide open. Many feel that love marriage is a guarantee for lifelong union, which is not true. Living together fosters love, and that is why arranged marriages also succeed. Both need hard work to thrive.  Love has birth, growth and death, and at times, rebirth. If it dies and does not revive it is better to seek a separation rather than simply exist. A peaceful separation helps children to accept the same and remain free from trauma. If a society celebrates birth and death, marriage and divorce, the society will be healthier and enjoy more peace.

Any relationship in life can go sour, be it a marriage, a business partnership or a friendship. In a conflict, there is amnesia of the positives and exaggeration of the negatives. Here the arbitration of friends, family or a counselor may help. There are several institutions of arbitration in communities. Marriage counseling may take weeks, months and years too. Both the partners need to invest time in the same.

Many quarrels begin with simple irritable behavior, leading to confrontations on various issues. The din of the fights submerges the origins of the conflict and the blame game begins. The origin might be in the illness of depression, which one of the partners might be suffering from. Treatment of this generally resolves everything. Depression may hit any one and may not have a trigger. Identifying it early and rectifying it is a must. Shoving it under the carpet can destroy a marriage. When it is mild, exercise can be an antidepressant. Yoga and other forms of meditation help marriages. Yet, one needs to understand that these practices are not a substitute for a healthy communication.

Day-to-day life has changed leaps and bounds. Couples may be thrown in different cities, may choose not to have kids and may be married to their work, where the marital partner may be the second spouse. As long as the couples find a balance, life moves peacefully at a different pace during different times.

Marriage is a mark sheet where a spouse may not score good marks in all subjects, but an average score is the key. One may try to increase the score as far as one can in a lifetime. Marriages do succeed with a little give and take.

And the secret is working towards peaceful coexistence!!!